A resident who has been on hospice for a while now passed away last night. His wife, who has dementia, but gets around alright physically, was moved to the "memory care" facility across town this afternoon. This morning, she told her caregiver, "Did you know that a man in that bed there died last night?" referring to her husband's hospital bed.
It was explained to her what happened. They have been preparing to move her to the other facility for a while now, and were just waiting for her husband to pass before making the change. Our director said that in these situations, they don't tell the resident that they are leaving and going to another place for good. They just say "let's go for a drive." And they drive around a while, and just sort of end up at that place, and walk around a little bit. They say, "Look at this nice restaurant!" and point out the dining room. Then they eventually leave their loved one there to adjust for a few days.
My director said that they find in these situations it is kinder, when the surviving spouse asks where their loved one is, to say that he's on a trip and he'll be back soon. They don't remember from one day to the next. So if you explain that their spouse died, they will begin the grieving process anew. And the next time they ask (5 hours or a day later), it will be the same thing once more.
Part of me sees the wisdom in this. Maybe it is easier for the resident, easier for the family. The resident doesn't get all stressed and anxious about the move, it just sort of happens. And who would want their loved one to find out day after day for the "first time" that their spouse has died. I get it. But part of me also rails against it.
Somewhere within them, under the layers of confusion, they have to feel deceived. Maybe not all the time, but dementia comes in waves. And in those moments of clarity, if it were me, I would be pissed.
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